I do not know when it started. I just remember when I was able to see myself giving up parts of myself, struggling, and trying to find a way out of a mess I had helped create. I watched myself try to find a way out of what seemed like such a dark place as I simultaneously tried to build myself back up into a person again. Back up into someone I wanted to be, and into myself.
Over the past eight months my heart, mind and body have gone through what has felt like a never ending pain. A pain, that however painful and hard has also brought with it clarity, force and beauty in its own way. It has to not been until recently though that I could hold this pain. That I could see it for what it is, and work through letting it go. That is the tough part though, how to let go of pain.
This past weekend I read bell hooks book all about love. The book focuses on love in all its forms, and her revolutionary take on love in our society and the way we love, and fail to love. For me, the pain that I have been feeling over the past eight months is so imbedded in love I do not even fully know how to understand it. I lost pieces of myself within it, and within the pain of trying to work through the messiness and beauty that is encompasses. Although the heart break and pain ignited after the end of one of the most profound relationships of my life, it has been ever ebbing and flowing since. It is not until today that I feel ready to start reflecting more powerfully about what this love gave me, what I gave to it, and what I lost and gained as it ended. I want to give it the space that it deserves, but not so much that I am consumed by it. You see, the thing that I felt like I lost the most was my ability to be intentional, forgiving, and loving towards myself. To find the support I needed within myself to re-build, reflect and stay strong. Today is about re-building intention to start the work of making myself the partner that I want in my life.
Lost at Sea 